Dealing with Irritating People

The following has been slightly modified from a letter I wrote a friend who was having difficulty with a family member who was irritating my friend. My friend asked me for advice about how best to handle the situation. Here is what I wrote them:

I recently took a 30-hour training on the Patience chapter of “The Way of a Bodhisattva” by Shantideva (Chapter 6). Once I started studying these teachings, irritating people and situations began to DISAPPEAR! And now have almost completely disappeared. I have outlined and highlighted some of the verses which are of particular importance when faced with apparent irritating people.

I ask you to just remember this:

There is no evil as great as anger. There is no practice as beneficial as Patience (from the second verse). Every time someone becomes irritating to you or gets jealous or angry at you, see it as an opportunity to be Patience. Then quietly thank them for providing you this wonderful opportunity to be Patience. This will change your life!! Almost overnight!

This can be a radical change in your view of “irritating” people. It is best to hear oral transmissions and explanations. I suggest that you seek out such transmission from an authentic and lineage holding teracher.

If you have time read the highlighted sections and commentary below. You can absolutely work with other’s anger and jealousy if you want. You will not only benefit you but also the other person and all sentient beings.

The practice of Patience is Transformative. Beyond belief when you start doing it full time.

By the way, thank you for providing me the opportunity to really look deep into this chapter. I had to spend time looking for the right parts and then write a short explanation. I definitely benefited from the task.


Many Dharma Blessings,


Geoff

The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva
Chapter 6 Patience
Verses 98 – 107


"98. Praise and so on distract me and remove my disillusionment with the cycle of existence. They stir up jealousy toward gifted people, and anger at their success."

When we are praised, we begin to feel that this life of ours is not so bad. As a result of this, we stop working towards our own awakening. it is with our disgust with this temporary life (of samsara) that we step on the path to awaken for the benefit of all beings.

Second, when we are praised, we actually become addicted to the praise and addicted to wanting more of what others have (jealousy and envy).

"99. Therefore, are those conspiring to destroy my reputation and so forth not protecting me from falling into hell?"

It is true that we should see those that torment us as truly our protectors. They are protecting us from living our life in ways that would eventually lead us into harmful future lives such as in one of the Hell Realms.

"100. The bondage of acquisition and honor is unfitting for me who seeks liberation. How can I hate those who are freeing me from bondage?"

If you seek liberation from this samsaric existence, if you seek to truly be of the greatest assistance to all beings, then you must become a Buddha! Fully Awaken! In order to become a Buddha, you must train in loving all beings and finally see all beings as truly Buddhas. When you begin to see all as Buddhas, then you are getting close.

"101. How can I hate those who, as if due to the Buddha’s blessing, block the gate as I seek to enter suffering?

"102. It is wrong to feel anger toward someone, thinking that person impedes my merit. As there is no austerity equal to patience, shall I not abide in that?"

It is the result of practicing patience that we open up to world of awakening. If you become angry, you harm yourself, you destroy aeons of merit, you get closer to living in hell. Patience “closes” the door to hell.

"103. If on account of my own fault I do not practice patience here, then I myself have created an obstacle when grounds for merit have been presented."

If you do not practice patience, you are losing the opportunity to gain great merit. You have been presented with the great opportunity to practice patience. Do not become your own obstacle when the opportunity presents itself. If you become upset or angry, you are contributing to more unhappiness in your world. I will promise that the world will become even worse for you the more you are unhappy.

"104. If one thing does not exist without another, and does exist when the other is present, then that other thing is its cause. How can that be called a hindrance?"

This one is really difficult as it relates to the highest view of karma - cause and effect. Reflecting on this: look to the TRUE cause of your anger. Second, Look to the cause of your patience which is a great merit.

First we consider the first part. If your sister, for example, is the CAUSE of your unhappiness, then EVERYTIME you and others see her, then they MUST become angry or unhappy. If it does not happen everytime THEN THEY (your sister in this case) CANNOT be the cause of unhappiness.

So what is the cause? What is always there when you are unhappy or angry?
It is you! You are the cause of your unhappiness and anger! it is not coming from the other person. It is coming from you. If it was coming from them, then it would ALWAYS happen. And likewise, if they were gone, you would never be angry or unhappy.

The final sentence is looking back to previous verses talking about. They are giving you with the opportunity to practice Patience. You cannot ever practice patience without an irritating person in your life.

Bottomline: An irritating person is the CAUSE of your Patience. They are the cause of Patience which is the greatest Practice to awaken.

Let this one settle in. It is really hard for me to understand - no less to explain because it is so foreign for us to see an irritating person as being the cause of something good for us.

"105. For a beggar is not a hindrance to generosity at the time of alms giving; and when a person who bestows an ordination arrives, he is not called a hindrance to the ordination."

So this will help understand the previous verse. A beggar is the cause of our generosity, yes? If no one ever needed anything, we would never have an opportunity to be generous.
Giving to people who have no needs is sort of worthless.

Likewise, a master who give vows to someone, is not looked upon as a hinderance to ordination. These are two examples of other situations where the person who is the cause of a good action are more easily seen as the cause.

It is very difficult to seek irritating people as a benefit to us. It can help to see that they are no different from a ordination master (who gives you initiations) or from a beggar (for generosity).

As a Bodhisattva, we are always looking for opportunities to practice: Whether it be generosity, discipline, patience, diligence, meditation or wisdom. they all provide the soil for our awakening and the fertilizer for our merit.

"106. Beggars are easy to meet in the world, but harm doers are difficult to find, for when I do no wrong no one will wrong me."

Continuing the example, Shantideva notes that beggars are plentiful. However, those that are irritating become rare. Become rare? Yes! As the teachings on this chapter point out, as you become more patient with those around us, as you reduce finding situations which cause you to suffer and become angry back, YOU will find that irritating people will disappear from your life.

It will become increasingly more difficult to find irritating people and situations.
Can this really happen? I am here to tell you that it truly works.

"107. Therefore, since my adversary assists me in my Bodhisattva way of life, I should long for him/her like a treasure discovered in the house and acquired without effort."

This is the most radical part of this section of verses! Why? Because if you really can see that an irritating person is the CAUSE of your patience, you will find that those people are to be worshipped.